no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize