i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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