Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
