I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
