i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
