I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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