Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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