Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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