I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
