I heard we made out
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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