Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
