We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
