Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
