Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
