wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
