Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize