I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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