Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
