be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize