Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
