I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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