Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
