i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize