Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
home. puking in laundry basket.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
