I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
