Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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