I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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