Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize