I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
