My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
