in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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