He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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