yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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