She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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