I wish I could teleport
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
