i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
