I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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