Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
