I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
