You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize