I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
