I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
