She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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