I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
