I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize