My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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