Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Houston, we have a blender
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize