I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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