Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
