I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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