i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
