new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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