im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Four minutes until I can fart!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
