I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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