He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
