I just cut my nipple shaving
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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