the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
