if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
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