Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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