and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
