I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
