Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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