So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
