It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
