He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
