Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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