I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
