I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
COCAINE IS GR8
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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