can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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