In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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